Work, work, work...

I read through my blog posts last night and realised that all my paranoia issues thus far had something to do with my work. That would come across as strange, but I'm actually not surprised considering the fact that I hardly spend time with anybody else than my husband and work colleagues. Sad, but true. Think it's time I get a life? I dunno.

Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..

Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings... 

It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)

Cheese?

I really have no IDEA what to make of today's happenings.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I think the people at work thinks I stole some cheese...
Here's the story:
Once a month, our company offers us a free braai (A braai is like a barbecue), which is absolutely awesome in my books. With the end of June's braai, my colleague purchased a block of cheese which we didn't end up using, and it was to be kept for the coming one at the end of July.
Within the last 2 weeks I have even temporarily forgotten about the cheese, until today...
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I get told that we are having a braai today. Besides the fact that this is not the right time, I also didn't get the usual invitation as is customary. It was just sorta "sprung" on me. Then all of a sudden they ask me if I know the cheese is missing. I said no, cause of course I didn't know the cheese was missing, I mean who the hell thinks about the cheese at work all the time?
OK, now as petty as this all may sound, I seriously think people are trying to set me up.
I was told before the braai, when I asked why we are having one, that the boss wanted to tell all of us something and he wanted it to be in a relaxed environment. The boss didn't make any announcements whatsoever during the braai... that's odd.
The cleaning lady also didn't come in today. I bet she was told not to come in cause they think if they confront me I would try to blame her. You know, even if it WAS me who took the cheese, I would NEVER shift the blame. Never, cause I would never want anybody to do the same to me...
Another of my colleagues was "sick" today, I think she's in on it? They used her to test my reactions, I'm sure, cause they kept on making jokes about her taking the cheese, and then looking at me, even though everybody knows she's been there the longest and would also never do something like that.
My other two colleagues made a point that they would never need to steal cheese as they stay with their parents, who buy them cheese when they need it. I just kept quiet, cause I really had nothing to say about it.  Anyway, as a matter of fact, I don't believe that ANYONE of us would steal anything. I mean, why? There's just too much risk involved.
Anyway, I know you might not completely understand why I think they think it's me. There are many other weird things that I can't put into words right now.

First of all, me and my husband buy our own huge block of cheese once a month, so WHY THE HELL would I bother with cheese at work. PLUS if our cheese runs out, we just buy more. If it gets to a stage where our salaries are no longer enough to sustain our living needs, I will LOOK FOR A BETTER PAYING JOB, not sabotage my career by stealing a stupid block of cheese! Arrrgh, this is all very frustrating. I have recently completed some studies, after having a late start, and am still in the process of bettering my qualifications. I have a career path I want to follow, and I am just starting out. Why would they think that I would ruin it by doing something so childish?
And why play all these mind games? Just come out and ask me! Or maybe, they want to make life unpleasant for me so that I will quit, cause maybe they don't like me. I do come across as anti-social, but that's cause I'm shy, but that doesn't mean I don't like you. I have the greatest respect for every one of my colleagues. This is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I don't understand why all this is happening right now... I REALLY REALLY hope that this is all just in my imagination. I don't feel happy at all...

Get off your high horses

I'm so SICK of it. There are all these people out there claiming to embrace their "weirdness" because being "normal" is so overrated. Or even cheesier - love the fact that being called weird is like being called a limited edition. Pah..
Nobody has ANY idea what it feels like to not feel normal every single damn day of your life. To WISH with all your might just to feel like the person next to you. To be paranoid ALL the god damn time. To think you're not good enough. To feel like people don't like you. To feel like people think you are a bad person and KNOWING you are not.  NOBODY KNOWS!
It sucks.