Alweer..

Okay, so gister was fine en vanoggend was fine, en toe gebeur daar iets wat my laat dink het ek het 'n fout gemaak, maar toe draai dit uit ek het nie - en toe skop die paranoia weer in.
Nou is ek vasbeslote niemand by die werk hou eintlik van my nie en dat hulle agter my rug praat en dat die base planne maak om ontslae te raak van my.. Maar tog maak dit ook nie sin vir my nie, ek wil dit nie glo nie want almal is soooo super awesome. Ek weet die paranoia gaan weer oorwaai, maar damnit man... dit suck..

Work, work, work...

I read through my blog posts last night and realised that all my paranoia issues thus far had something to do with my work. That would come across as strange, but I'm actually not surprised considering the fact that I hardly spend time with anybody else than my husband and work colleagues. Sad, but true. Think it's time I get a life? I dunno.

Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..

Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings... 

It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)

Get off your high horses

I'm so SICK of it. There are all these people out there claiming to embrace their "weirdness" because being "normal" is so overrated. Or even cheesier - love the fact that being called weird is like being called a limited edition. Pah..
Nobody has ANY idea what it feels like to not feel normal every single damn day of your life. To WISH with all your might just to feel like the person next to you. To be paranoid ALL the god damn time. To think you're not good enough. To feel like people don't like you. To feel like people think you are a bad person and KNOWING you are not.  NOBODY KNOWS!
It sucks.

An Introduction to my Paranoid mind.

I can count the number of times I've been paranoid about something bad happening and it actually ends up happening, on my one hand. Compare that to the hundreds, if not thousands of times I've been paranoid about stuff I end up laughing about later, and you have a definite winner.
Just to give you an idea,here is one thing I am currently paranoid about:
I worry that the people that I work with actually can't stand me because they've heard some elaborate rumour which is completely untrue about me, and instead of confronting me directly about it, there is a major plot going on to try and get me out of the company. Part of their plan is to keep me under surveillance from one of the apartments opposite mine and other such ridiculous thoughts.
I know for a fact that some people might think I should consider getting psychiatric help, and I can assure you that, had I had the means, I would have definitely seeked professional help. However, I don't have the means, but at least I have recognized my problem and I can work on it on my own  - thank GOODNESS for the wonderful Internet and green pastures!
What frustrates me the most, is the fact that I KNOW my thoughts are irrational, yet I can't do anything to stop them from happening. I can only calm myself to a rational state.
I love my job and colleagues so much, it's an absolute shame that I'd waste so much time by obsessing with my demons...