Universe

Okay Universe, jy't gesê ek moet goed neerskryf, so here goes:

Eerstens, baie baie dankie dat jy altyd luister . . .
Toe ek met jou gepraat het oor my paranoia en hoe ek wens ek was normaal, laat jy my net 1 nagrus wag om 'n post te sien op facebook van iemand wie se goed omtrent nooit op my newsfeed verskein nie, wat gaan oor introverte en toe besef ek dat ek wel normaal is en dat daar ander soos ek moet wees as daar dan 'n hele artikel daaroor is. Ek is skoon huilerig so verlig is ek. So thanks daarvoor.

Ek is omring deur 'n klomp ekstroverte. Omtrent almal in my lewe is. Hulle verstaan my nie, en al doen hulle dit nie aspris nie, is hulle deel van die rede hoekom ek soos 'n freak voel en skuldig voel oor my persoonlikheid en wie en wat ek is. My volgende wens is dat hulle almal daai artikel kan lees en net kan verstaan dat daar niks fout is met hoe ek die lewe aanpak nie. Dit is dalk anders as hulle manier, maar albei maniere het dieselfde doel. So wat maak dit nou eintlik saak?
Jy dink miskien dat ek nie my man se gigs bywoon nie omdat ek jaloers is op die nuwe vroulike bass speler (en sy is pragtig), waar dit ABSOLUUT niks daarmee te doen het nie? WTF. Ek hou net nie van so baie commotion, geraas en mense om my nie.
Jy dink miskien dat ek nie van jou hou nie omdat ek nie alles oor jou ma, pa, boetie, sussie, ouma, tannie se niggie of skoonboet wil hoor nie, maar eintlik is ek net nie 'n fan van al die gepratery in general nie en jy moet besef dat jy die ekstrovert is en dat jy besig is om al die energie uit my uit te suig. 
Jy dink miskien ek is so sad en alleen en dat my wereld suck omdat ek verkies om nie my verjaarsdag te vier met 'n moerse party en aankondiging aan die wereld nie, maar eintlik is ek gelukkiger as ooit op my verjaarsdag wanneer ek dit rustig kan celebrate op my eie met slegs my heel naastes by my. Ek haat inelkgeval al die aandag - almal wil met jou praat en fake smiles gee omdat dit jou verjaarsdag is. Hoekom?

En so kan ek aangaan.
So thank you so much Universe, for understanding me and helping me cope.

Ek is fake & selfsugtig.

Sommer net iets wat ek in die oopte wil hê sonder om te veel drama daaroor te maak (soos om bv 'n aandagsoekende post op Facebook te sit), so toe kies ek die blog as platvorm. As jy 'n leser is en nie hiervan hou nie, wel, gaan dan weg en los my om te skryf wat ek wil.

Okay, so hier is die issue:
Ek is super fake. En vanselfsprekend sal mense wat dit agterkom dink dat dit met "evil intentions" is, en in my geval (ja, ek weet almal dink hulle geval is anders, maar hoor my net) is dit miskien 'n bietjie "evil" in die sense dat ek fake is omdat ek selfsugtig is en worry oor wat mense van MY gaan dink, maar ek is defnitief nie fake met jou omdat ek iets by jou wil hê nie. Maar, ek verstaan dat mense dit dalk so kan opneem, want daar is baie mense wat fake is omdat hulle iets by ander wil hê. Maar, hel man, dit laat my nogsteeds sleg voel as mense so oor my dink.
Ek moet wel sê dat ek ook 'n punt het waar ek iemand so despise dat ek nie eers fake nice met hulle kan wees nie. Okay, nog net een persoon het my al so laat voel en dis die vroumens in ons komplex wat nie my man wil uitlos nie. Nou vir haar het ek nie eers 'n ou fake smile om te gee nie. Sy weet goed om uit my pad uit te bly. Maar, byvoorbeeld, soos van die agente by my werk - vir hulle raak ek soms so kwaad en ek vloek en skel hulle in my gedagtes, maar tog probeer ek altyd smile, nice wees, vra hoe dit gaan en vir hulle sê dat ek genoeg tyd het om hulle te help met hulle werk. Wat ek sê en wat ek regtig bedoel is nie altyd dieselfde nie. So dit is fake van my want ek smile mooi vir hulle, maar kla daaroor na die tyd. MAAR, ek kla nie by die base nie. Dit sal my net 'n klikkie-bek ook maak. So ek praat met van my kollegas, maar my een kollega (en ek gaan nog 'n laaaang post oor haar doen) is lief daarvoor om na die base toe te hardloop met alles en gaan sê gewoonlik vir hulle. Dan voel ek so shit man. En elke keer sê ek vir myself ek gaan haar NOOIT WEER enige iets vertel nie, maar dan vergeet ek of sy't 'n manier om as iemand vir haar iets gemention het, dan vra sy vir my vrae en sy hou aan totdat sy die storie gehoor het wat sy wil hoor van my. Plus dit moeilik om dit vir haar weg te steek, want ons werk in dieselfde kantoor. Maar anyway, dis 'n ander post daardie.

Reg, so terug by ek wat fake en selfsugtig is:

Joh, ek lag partykeer vir myself as ek sien hoe selfsugtig ek is.
Ek dink so baie van myself dat elke post of facebook, of elke conversation wat "hush-hush" gedoen word, mos oor my gaan. Mense het niks beter om te doen as om heel dag aan my te sit en dink nie, ens. ens.
Mense sit heeldag en dink hoe hulle my lewe dalk hel kan maak, of sit en analiseer alles wat ek dalk in conversation opgebring het en sê ek lieg. Of mense maak rumours op van my en versprei dit. LOL, Dis eintlik pateties..
Wat my die meeste frustreer is dat ek weet ek is hoe ek is, maar ek weet nie hoe om dit te verander nie. Ek probeer wel om nie fake te wees nie, maar dis nou al so ingeprogrammeer dat ek dit nie kan help nie. En, soos in 'n vorige post gemention, is ek so bang dat ek reject gaan word (ja, selfs deur jou van wie ek nie hou nie) as ek my eie opinies lig of so, dat ek nie kan help om saam te stem met alles wat jy sê of om fake met jou te wees nie.
Ai, dis moeilik.

Wees jouself... maar moenie...

Meh.
Ek is so gatvol vir nie myself wees nie (of eerder - mense wat dink ek is nie myself nie).
As ek alleen is, kan ek myself so goed op-psych. Ek deurdink mos 'n ding tot die fynste, soos in 'n storie boek, en probeer net die goeie te imagine. Dan is dit soos : Ja, volgende keer gaan ek defnitief nee se as ek nee bedoel, ek gaan nie net saam stem met jou omdat ek bang is jy gaan my judge en agter my rug praat as ek nie doen nie. Ek gaan nie worry nie. If you don't like me tell me, or deal with it, or leave me alone.
En dan.
Stem ek saam met alles.
Urrgh. Dis so frustrerend, want ek kan myself nie stop nie. Ek meen, ek bedoel niks kwaad nie, dit gebeur net. As almal van my hou, sal niemand sleg praat van my nie.
Hoekom is ek so bang vir judgement? Wat is die probleem hier?
Miskien is die probleem die feit dat ek verskriklik self centered is? Yip, daar slat die hammer nou die spyker reg op sy kop. Everything I do, I do for myself, and sometimes for my husband.
En dan is daar tye wat ek dink : So what as ek self centered is? Daar is mense wat baie meer self centered as ek is, en hulle word nie sommer gedjudge nie?
En alhoewel ek nie bedoel om fake te wees nie (want ek raak baie vinnig attached aan mense, en al "act" ek fake om hulle, is ek nie. ). As ek met enige iemand praat, is my bedoelinge genuine. Alhoewel ek regtig nie judgement kan hanteer nie (en ek weet dis human nature) is die urge om terselfdetyd jou genuinely op jou gemak en gelukkig te maak, net so groot.

responsibilities

I know she thinks that it's all a bunch of bull crap. But I guarantee you that is absolutely not the case.
I would much rather not have any responsibilities whatsoever and just relax and chat. I hardly do that lately...

Good news - for a change!

With all the recent happenings and stress related issues in my life lately, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as "good always prevails over evil" .
At least now, there is a small little light at the end of this tunnel.
Here's the deal:

We have two cars. A Toyota, which we use as our regular vehicle, and an Uno which is registered in my dad's name but I paid it off.
When we got the Toyota, we decided to lend the Uno to a very good friend of ours who was in need of transportation. Last week, however, he let us know that the car was missing.  There are a few events that lead up to the vehicle being "missing" for example the fact that he left the car overnight in a very dodgy area because the car wouldn't start. He also took longer than necessary to inform us about the happenings, and in order to claim insurance the police report had to be done within 24hours of the incident. We found out quite a few days later.
So, I was kinda preparing myself to just get the car reported as stolen and then my dad was going to have it written off and that would be that. However, today, I get a phone call from my dad saying that a police constable has contacted him and that the car has been found! Apparently not much damage, except for the battery that was missing. I'm really relieved!
I'm just not sure how we're going to retrieve the car from the pound. They are only open weekdays from 8am to 3pm. Plus I would need to organize someone to tow the car, I can't afford a towing company and I don't know anybody who I can ask. I'm actually considering finding out if one of the officers might be interested in buying the car for real cheap? Lol, I don't know, but that is another day's problems. For now, I am just grateful for at least one bit of good news .

The cell phone

Oh my word, things are getting much worse...

I was planning on a long blog post explaining every single detail of the event and my feelings etc, but, no, I'll keep it concise this time...

The first thing that happened this week was that my boss lost his cell phone and now thinks it's stolen. Now, I can't help but feeling that maybe he didn't actually loose it but that he just pretended to loose it in order to set me up so that they can fire me. I don't know. I find it just a tad suspicious the way things happened. My husband says that I shouldn't worry, because I know that I didn't take the phone. But what he doesn't understand is that if I'm set up and consequently fired, that will become part of my reputation and people will trust me even less. It sucks so much, I wish I could just lead a normal life...

Anyway, this happening got me thinking that maybe I should just start looking for another job. I am REALLY very happy to work there, I love everything about the company, but my paranoia is just getting the best of me and it's making me miserable as a result.
I am more suited to jobs in HUGE companies, like say 200+ employees, were I can just be a number. Just go to work, do my job, leave and get paid at month end. No fuss and office politics.
I want to be able to focus on my life and my friends again, instead of constantly obsessing and brooding over the fact that my colleagues don't like me and my bosses are plotting to get me fired.
Also, I need to make more money so that I can start seeing a professional regarding my condition.
I've joined this forum at Psychcentral which is pretty awesome, because I get to share my experiences with people with similar fears and anxieties as I have and I also get to read how it is for other people etc.
So, I've you happen to read this blog, and you have some sort of mental issues, do yourself a favor and join those forums.

Work, work, work...

I read through my blog posts last night and realised that all my paranoia issues thus far had something to do with my work. That would come across as strange, but I'm actually not surprised considering the fact that I hardly spend time with anybody else than my husband and work colleagues. Sad, but true. Think it's time I get a life? I dunno.

Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..

Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings... 

It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)