Net 'n gedagte

Daar is 'n saying wat sê dat as iemand gewoonlik dink ander mense lieg, dan is hulle self 'n leunaar. Of as jy dink ander mense steel, dan steel jy self.
Dis vir my 'n weird conclusion om te trek?
Ek vat myself as 'n example. Ek dink konstant dat mense my haat en agter my rug skinder, maar ek haat nie ander mense nie en ek probeer skinder tot 'n absolute minimum hou, want dit verveel my. Ek stel nie belang in ander mense se lewens as ek hulle nie ken nie, plus dis onregverdig om saam te judge oor iemand wat jy nognooit self ontmoet het nie want jy het net die 3e party se opinie. En soos almal baie goed weet - daar is altyd twee en soms drie kante tot elke storie...

Alweer..

Okay, so gister was fine en vanoggend was fine, en toe gebeur daar iets wat my laat dink het ek het 'n fout gemaak, maar toe draai dit uit ek het nie - en toe skop die paranoia weer in.
Nou is ek vasbeslote niemand by die werk hou eintlik van my nie en dat hulle agter my rug praat en dat die base planne maak om ontslae te raak van my.. Maar tog maak dit ook nie sin vir my nie, ek wil dit nie glo nie want almal is soooo super awesome. Ek weet die paranoia gaan weer oorwaai, maar damnit man... dit suck..

Voel normaal vandag...

Daar is party dae wat ek so normaal voel , niks worries, niks paranoia ens.
Ek wens dit kan altyd so wees... ek probeer uitfigure wat die verskil is tussen dae wat ek fantasties voel en dae waar die paranoia vreeslik erg is. As ek 'n "trigger" kan identifiseer sal dit awesome wees, dan kan ek actually self iets daaromtrent doen?

Ek weet daar is mense wat my nie glo oor my mental situasie nie, maar op dae soos vandag gee ek net nie 'n hel om nie, EK weet wie en wat ek is en fuck the rest. Nou wens ek ek kan altyd so wees.
'n Goeie quote wat ek gelees het kom by my op : "Worry less about your reputation and more about your character, because your reputation is who other people think you are and your character is who you really are" Ek is nou net nie seker wie dit gesê het nie. Ek dink op my "af" dae moet ek dit net oor en oor vir myself sê.

Paranoia go away, don't come back another day..

Ai, ek is regtig moeg hiervoor.
En ek weet al wat ek moet doen is om 'n psychologist te gaan sien, maar dis te vrek duur. Kannie nou bekostig nie, so ek worstel met myself.
Gelukkig is daar baie online support en forums en my man is amazing met my. Dis darm een persoon wat werklik verstaan, al frustreer ek hom ook partykeer met al die onnodige kak.

Wanneer mens kak voel

Ek voel vanaand ongelooflik paranoid..

Ek is so bang mense dink ek is 'n manipulerende klein bliksimpie en dat hulle beplan om my met my eie game te beat en sulke goed. Selfs soos wat ek hierdie skryf, is ek bang iemand kom daarop af en dink dis maar net nog 'n manipulasie van my deur te skryf oor hoe bang ek daaroor is ens ens, kringloop..

Ek wil gedagtes neerskryf soos dit by my opkom, so hierdie post gaan dalk baie rondspring..

Ek is bang een van my kollegas is kwaad vir my oor iets wat sy by iemand gehoor het oor iets wat ek oor haar gese het, maar die ding is ek het NOG NOOIT iets slegs van haar spesifiek gese nie, en die met wie ek wel 'n probleem het, sou ek ook nooit op die naam noem nie, want dis net plein disrespekvol? En wat het dit tog met ander mense te doen? Hier op die blog voel ek meer vry om te se presies wat ek dink, maar ek weet niemand lees dit nie, so dis maar pretty much my diary..
Ek het vroeer vir haar gevra om asseblief vir my te se as sy 'n probleem met my het, maar sy't net gese nee sy het nie. Maar dit voel vir my asof sy boodskappe vir my wil stuur deur die goed wat sy op Facebook eweskielik share (ja, ja ek weet dis dalk kinderagtig, maar ek kannie help hoe ek voel nie). Goed soos 'n Meme wat gaan oor hoe jy lyk as iemand lieg in jou gesig maar jy weet die waarheid, en mense wat gewoonlik worry oor wat ander mense dink is die mees ongelukkigste en 'n oop status update wat so iets gaan : As ek en jy beef met mekaar het, kom praat met my maar moenie met ander daaroor praat nie. So iets, ek't nou nie 100% aangehaal nie.
En dis weird want sy weet die goed raak my, en die tye wat dit gepost word is tye wanneer sy defnitief sou weet ek is online.. arrrr ek haat hierdie situasie, want ek weet nie of dit so is en of dit alles in my kop is nie.
Ek kannie dink wat ek moontlik kon verkeerd doen nie? Ek het nognooit vir enige iemand oor haar frustrasies met die base vertel nie, want sy't my gevra om niks te se nie. so dit kannie dit wees nie. Gewoonlik as iemand sleg praat van haar, dan probeer ek vir haar opkom (soos ek vir enige iemand vir wie ek omgee sal probeer opkom as hulle dit nie verdien nie, dit geld vir meeste van my kollegas!). So dit kan ook nie dit wees nie.
Ek het niks vir die nuwe meisie gese van hoe hulle gekla het dat sy nie haar werk doen nie. So dit kan ook nie dit wees nie. Nou WAT? Want iets is defnitief af. Sy kannie sommer haar gevoelens goed wegsteek nie, en haar attitude teenoor my het regtig kouer geraak vandat ek hierdie posts begin sien het.. Baie weird, en ek wens iemand wil net vir my se..

Ek is bang mense dink ek lieg en bedrieg en besteel mense. Maar ek probeer regtig so eerlik as moontlik lewe, en as ek vir jou jok is dit om jou te beskerm of om myself te beskerm teen judgement. En as ek iets regtig ergs verkeerd gedoen het , en jy konfronteer my, sal die waarheid altyd uitkom, om te ewe van hoe bang ek vir judgement is want dan sal my gewete my net opvreet en dis erger, dink net hoe erg gaan dit wees as my gewete my selfs nou pla waar ek nie eers weet wat ek gedoen het nie?

Ek is bang mense dink ek wil al die power he by die werk, en dat ek almal wil uitwerk daar.
DIT IS GLAD NIE SO NIE? Die vir wie ek al oopgemaak het en gereelde conversations mee het, is ek SO mal oor, hulle voel al amper soos famielie (is dit creepy?). Ek kannie vir beter werksomtandighede gevra het nie. Almal is genuinely nice mense self die manne met die attitude..

Ek is bang mense hoor rumours oor my wat nie waar is nie en bespreek dit dan onder hulle self, glo summier die rumours selfs al ken hulle my goed, en dink ek is 'n slegte mens. Dit voel gereeld vir my asof mense stil raak wanneer ek in die omtrek is.

Al hierdie goed kan tog nie alles in my verbeelding wees nie?
Ek hoop dit is.. En ek wens ek kan net ophou worry. Ek wens my Ego was nie so groot dat ek dink alles gaan oor my nie.
Miskien is die beste om maar net van nou af my bek te hou. Speak when spoken to and only say the necessary. No more, no less. Ek weetie... :(

Universe

Okay Universe, jy't gesê ek moet goed neerskryf, so here goes:

Eerstens, baie baie dankie dat jy altyd luister . . .
Toe ek met jou gepraat het oor my paranoia en hoe ek wens ek was normaal, laat jy my net 1 nagrus wag om 'n post te sien op facebook van iemand wie se goed omtrent nooit op my newsfeed verskein nie, wat gaan oor introverte en toe besef ek dat ek wel normaal is en dat daar ander soos ek moet wees as daar dan 'n hele artikel daaroor is. Ek is skoon huilerig so verlig is ek. So thanks daarvoor.

Ek is omring deur 'n klomp ekstroverte. Omtrent almal in my lewe is. Hulle verstaan my nie, en al doen hulle dit nie aspris nie, is hulle deel van die rede hoekom ek soos 'n freak voel en skuldig voel oor my persoonlikheid en wie en wat ek is. My volgende wens is dat hulle almal daai artikel kan lees en net kan verstaan dat daar niks fout is met hoe ek die lewe aanpak nie. Dit is dalk anders as hulle manier, maar albei maniere het dieselfde doel. So wat maak dit nou eintlik saak?
Jy dink miskien dat ek nie my man se gigs bywoon nie omdat ek jaloers is op die nuwe vroulike bass speler (en sy is pragtig), waar dit ABSOLUUT niks daarmee te doen het nie? WTF. Ek hou net nie van so baie commotion, geraas en mense om my nie.
Jy dink miskien dat ek nie van jou hou nie omdat ek nie alles oor jou ma, pa, boetie, sussie, ouma, tannie se niggie of skoonboet wil hoor nie, maar eintlik is ek net nie 'n fan van al die gepratery in general nie en jy moet besef dat jy die ekstrovert is en dat jy besig is om al die energie uit my uit te suig. 
Jy dink miskien ek is so sad en alleen en dat my wereld suck omdat ek verkies om nie my verjaarsdag te vier met 'n moerse party en aankondiging aan die wereld nie, maar eintlik is ek gelukkiger as ooit op my verjaarsdag wanneer ek dit rustig kan celebrate op my eie met slegs my heel naastes by my. Ek haat inelkgeval al die aandag - almal wil met jou praat en fake smiles gee omdat dit jou verjaarsdag is. Hoekom?

En so kan ek aangaan.
So thank you so much Universe, for understanding me and helping me cope.

Ek is fake & selfsugtig.

Sommer net iets wat ek in die oopte wil hê sonder om te veel drama daaroor te maak (soos om bv 'n aandagsoekende post op Facebook te sit), so toe kies ek die blog as platvorm. As jy 'n leser is en nie hiervan hou nie, wel, gaan dan weg en los my om te skryf wat ek wil.

Okay, so hier is die issue:
Ek is super fake. En vanselfsprekend sal mense wat dit agterkom dink dat dit met "evil intentions" is, en in my geval (ja, ek weet almal dink hulle geval is anders, maar hoor my net) is dit miskien 'n bietjie "evil" in die sense dat ek fake is omdat ek selfsugtig is en worry oor wat mense van MY gaan dink, maar ek is defnitief nie fake met jou omdat ek iets by jou wil hê nie. Maar, ek verstaan dat mense dit dalk so kan opneem, want daar is baie mense wat fake is omdat hulle iets by ander wil hê. Maar, hel man, dit laat my nogsteeds sleg voel as mense so oor my dink.
Ek moet wel sê dat ek ook 'n punt het waar ek iemand so despise dat ek nie eers fake nice met hulle kan wees nie. Okay, nog net een persoon het my al so laat voel en dis die vroumens in ons komplex wat nie my man wil uitlos nie. Nou vir haar het ek nie eers 'n ou fake smile om te gee nie. Sy weet goed om uit my pad uit te bly. Maar, byvoorbeeld, soos van die agente by my werk - vir hulle raak ek soms so kwaad en ek vloek en skel hulle in my gedagtes, maar tog probeer ek altyd smile, nice wees, vra hoe dit gaan en vir hulle sê dat ek genoeg tyd het om hulle te help met hulle werk. Wat ek sê en wat ek regtig bedoel is nie altyd dieselfde nie. So dit is fake van my want ek smile mooi vir hulle, maar kla daaroor na die tyd. MAAR, ek kla nie by die base nie. Dit sal my net 'n klikkie-bek ook maak. So ek praat met van my kollegas, maar my een kollega (en ek gaan nog 'n laaaang post oor haar doen) is lief daarvoor om na die base toe te hardloop met alles en gaan sê gewoonlik vir hulle. Dan voel ek so shit man. En elke keer sê ek vir myself ek gaan haar NOOIT WEER enige iets vertel nie, maar dan vergeet ek of sy't 'n manier om as iemand vir haar iets gemention het, dan vra sy vir my vrae en sy hou aan totdat sy die storie gehoor het wat sy wil hoor van my. Plus dit moeilik om dit vir haar weg te steek, want ons werk in dieselfde kantoor. Maar anyway, dis 'n ander post daardie.

Reg, so terug by ek wat fake en selfsugtig is:

Joh, ek lag partykeer vir myself as ek sien hoe selfsugtig ek is.
Ek dink so baie van myself dat elke post of facebook, of elke conversation wat "hush-hush" gedoen word, mos oor my gaan. Mense het niks beter om te doen as om heel dag aan my te sit en dink nie, ens. ens.
Mense sit heeldag en dink hoe hulle my lewe dalk hel kan maak, of sit en analiseer alles wat ek dalk in conversation opgebring het en sê ek lieg. Of mense maak rumours op van my en versprei dit. LOL, Dis eintlik pateties..
Wat my die meeste frustreer is dat ek weet ek is hoe ek is, maar ek weet nie hoe om dit te verander nie. Ek probeer wel om nie fake te wees nie, maar dis nou al so ingeprogrammeer dat ek dit nie kan help nie. En, soos in 'n vorige post gemention, is ek so bang dat ek reject gaan word (ja, selfs deur jou van wie ek nie hou nie) as ek my eie opinies lig of so, dat ek nie kan help om saam te stem met alles wat jy sê of om fake met jou te wees nie.
Ai, dis moeilik.

Wees jouself... maar moenie...

Meh.
Ek is so gatvol vir nie myself wees nie (of eerder - mense wat dink ek is nie myself nie).
As ek alleen is, kan ek myself so goed op-psych. Ek deurdink mos 'n ding tot die fynste, soos in 'n storie boek, en probeer net die goeie te imagine. Dan is dit soos : Ja, volgende keer gaan ek defnitief nee se as ek nee bedoel, ek gaan nie net saam stem met jou omdat ek bang is jy gaan my judge en agter my rug praat as ek nie doen nie. Ek gaan nie worry nie. If you don't like me tell me, or deal with it, or leave me alone.
En dan.
Stem ek saam met alles.
Urrgh. Dis so frustrerend, want ek kan myself nie stop nie. Ek meen, ek bedoel niks kwaad nie, dit gebeur net. As almal van my hou, sal niemand sleg praat van my nie.
Hoekom is ek so bang vir judgement? Wat is die probleem hier?
Miskien is die probleem die feit dat ek verskriklik self centered is? Yip, daar slat die hammer nou die spyker reg op sy kop. Everything I do, I do for myself, and sometimes for my husband.
En dan is daar tye wat ek dink : So what as ek self centered is? Daar is mense wat baie meer self centered as ek is, en hulle word nie sommer gedjudge nie?
En alhoewel ek nie bedoel om fake te wees nie (want ek raak baie vinnig attached aan mense, en al "act" ek fake om hulle, is ek nie. ). As ek met enige iemand praat, is my bedoelinge genuine. Alhoewel ek regtig nie judgement kan hanteer nie (en ek weet dis human nature) is die urge om terselfdetyd jou genuinely op jou gemak en gelukkig te maak, net so groot.

responsibilities

I know she thinks that it's all a bunch of bull crap. But I guarantee you that is absolutely not the case.
I would much rather not have any responsibilities whatsoever and just relax and chat. I hardly do that lately...

Good news - for a change!

With all the recent happenings and stress related issues in my life lately, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as "good always prevails over evil" .
At least now, there is a small little light at the end of this tunnel.
Here's the deal:

We have two cars. A Toyota, which we use as our regular vehicle, and an Uno which is registered in my dad's name but I paid it off.
When we got the Toyota, we decided to lend the Uno to a very good friend of ours who was in need of transportation. Last week, however, he let us know that the car was missing.  There are a few events that lead up to the vehicle being "missing" for example the fact that he left the car overnight in a very dodgy area because the car wouldn't start. He also took longer than necessary to inform us about the happenings, and in order to claim insurance the police report had to be done within 24hours of the incident. We found out quite a few days later.
So, I was kinda preparing myself to just get the car reported as stolen and then my dad was going to have it written off and that would be that. However, today, I get a phone call from my dad saying that a police constable has contacted him and that the car has been found! Apparently not much damage, except for the battery that was missing. I'm really relieved!
I'm just not sure how we're going to retrieve the car from the pound. They are only open weekdays from 8am to 3pm. Plus I would need to organize someone to tow the car, I can't afford a towing company and I don't know anybody who I can ask. I'm actually considering finding out if one of the officers might be interested in buying the car for real cheap? Lol, I don't know, but that is another day's problems. For now, I am just grateful for at least one bit of good news .

The cell phone

Oh my word, things are getting much worse...

I was planning on a long blog post explaining every single detail of the event and my feelings etc, but, no, I'll keep it concise this time...

The first thing that happened this week was that my boss lost his cell phone and now thinks it's stolen. Now, I can't help but feeling that maybe he didn't actually loose it but that he just pretended to loose it in order to set me up so that they can fire me. I don't know. I find it just a tad suspicious the way things happened. My husband says that I shouldn't worry, because I know that I didn't take the phone. But what he doesn't understand is that if I'm set up and consequently fired, that will become part of my reputation and people will trust me even less. It sucks so much, I wish I could just lead a normal life...

Anyway, this happening got me thinking that maybe I should just start looking for another job. I am REALLY very happy to work there, I love everything about the company, but my paranoia is just getting the best of me and it's making me miserable as a result.
I am more suited to jobs in HUGE companies, like say 200+ employees, were I can just be a number. Just go to work, do my job, leave and get paid at month end. No fuss and office politics.
I want to be able to focus on my life and my friends again, instead of constantly obsessing and brooding over the fact that my colleagues don't like me and my bosses are plotting to get me fired.
Also, I need to make more money so that I can start seeing a professional regarding my condition.
I've joined this forum at Psychcentral which is pretty awesome, because I get to share my experiences with people with similar fears and anxieties as I have and I also get to read how it is for other people etc.
So, I've you happen to read this blog, and you have some sort of mental issues, do yourself a favor and join those forums.

Work, work, work...

I read through my blog posts last night and realised that all my paranoia issues thus far had something to do with my work. That would come across as strange, but I'm actually not surprised considering the fact that I hardly spend time with anybody else than my husband and work colleagues. Sad, but true. Think it's time I get a life? I dunno.

Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..

Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings... 

It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)

Cheese?

I really have no IDEA what to make of today's happenings.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I think the people at work thinks I stole some cheese...
Here's the story:
Once a month, our company offers us a free braai (A braai is like a barbecue), which is absolutely awesome in my books. With the end of June's braai, my colleague purchased a block of cheese which we didn't end up using, and it was to be kept for the coming one at the end of July.
Within the last 2 weeks I have even temporarily forgotten about the cheese, until today...
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I get told that we are having a braai today. Besides the fact that this is not the right time, I also didn't get the usual invitation as is customary. It was just sorta "sprung" on me. Then all of a sudden they ask me if I know the cheese is missing. I said no, cause of course I didn't know the cheese was missing, I mean who the hell thinks about the cheese at work all the time?
OK, now as petty as this all may sound, I seriously think people are trying to set me up.
I was told before the braai, when I asked why we are having one, that the boss wanted to tell all of us something and he wanted it to be in a relaxed environment. The boss didn't make any announcements whatsoever during the braai... that's odd.
The cleaning lady also didn't come in today. I bet she was told not to come in cause they think if they confront me I would try to blame her. You know, even if it WAS me who took the cheese, I would NEVER shift the blame. Never, cause I would never want anybody to do the same to me...
Another of my colleagues was "sick" today, I think she's in on it? They used her to test my reactions, I'm sure, cause they kept on making jokes about her taking the cheese, and then looking at me, even though everybody knows she's been there the longest and would also never do something like that.
My other two colleagues made a point that they would never need to steal cheese as they stay with their parents, who buy them cheese when they need it. I just kept quiet, cause I really had nothing to say about it.  Anyway, as a matter of fact, I don't believe that ANYONE of us would steal anything. I mean, why? There's just too much risk involved.
Anyway, I know you might not completely understand why I think they think it's me. There are many other weird things that I can't put into words right now.

First of all, me and my husband buy our own huge block of cheese once a month, so WHY THE HELL would I bother with cheese at work. PLUS if our cheese runs out, we just buy more. If it gets to a stage where our salaries are no longer enough to sustain our living needs, I will LOOK FOR A BETTER PAYING JOB, not sabotage my career by stealing a stupid block of cheese! Arrrgh, this is all very frustrating. I have recently completed some studies, after having a late start, and am still in the process of bettering my qualifications. I have a career path I want to follow, and I am just starting out. Why would they think that I would ruin it by doing something so childish?
And why play all these mind games? Just come out and ask me! Or maybe, they want to make life unpleasant for me so that I will quit, cause maybe they don't like me. I do come across as anti-social, but that's cause I'm shy, but that doesn't mean I don't like you. I have the greatest respect for every one of my colleagues. This is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I don't understand why all this is happening right now... I REALLY REALLY hope that this is all just in my imagination. I don't feel happy at all...

Get off your high horses

I'm so SICK of it. There are all these people out there claiming to embrace their "weirdness" because being "normal" is so overrated. Or even cheesier - love the fact that being called weird is like being called a limited edition. Pah..
Nobody has ANY idea what it feels like to not feel normal every single damn day of your life. To WISH with all your might just to feel like the person next to you. To be paranoid ALL the god damn time. To think you're not good enough. To feel like people don't like you. To feel like people think you are a bad person and KNOWING you are not.  NOBODY KNOWS!
It sucks.

Healthy Changes

My 2012 New Years resolution was that I wanted to drink at least 1 bottle of water per day. This resolution has turned out to be very successful to me and I will be increasing my intake to two bottles per day soon.
As of the end of this month, the following will also be added to my "health regime":

1. I'm going to start using the Oil Cleansing Method. Checklist : Castor Oil, Olive Oil, Avo Oil, mixing bottle, washcloth.
2. At least a banana a day.
3. At least a carrot a day.
4. At least 1/2 a cucumber per day (Is that too much, too little?).

Let's see if I can stick to these extra thingies, and take it from there.

Mrs Conceited

I have never in my life met anybody as conceited as I am. It sucks, and I don't know how to change it.
It has nothing to do with my appearance, in fact, I believe I'm a very average looking person, HOWEVER I always assume that certain situations are about me. Me, me, me...
For example, someone (even someone I haven't actually seen or spoken to for months) will post a random comment on facebook and I will automatically assume the post has something to do with me and that the person is subtly trying to send me a message. Especially if it is something bad. I always assume people think the worst of me and as mentioned in my previous post, are conspiring against me.
I believe that people close to me has heard rumors, and instead of asking me about it, they just believe the rumors and try to "get back at me". Aarrgg.. frustration is not the word.
I try my best to be nice to everyone I meet and talk to. Because of that, I think that people might think I am too nice, and then they don't trust me without realizing that there's nothing more to it than me just wanting everybody to be happy.. it's quite sad, actually.
Today at work, one of my colleagues were talking to a lady (I didn't know at that stage that it was her mother), and telling her something like " apparently the guy treated her like shit" and they were laughing etc. and I thought they were talking about me, because my previous boss treated me and my ex-colleagues badly, and that they don't believe me and are trying to scheme behind my back. It's crazy. I don't even think this specific colleague even knows about my previous job situation...
I try my best to always be honest, yet I still believe that people think I am a liar.
I try my best to be loyal, yet I still believe that people think I am a snake.
I try my best to be friendly, yet I still believe that people think I am fake...
You get the message?

Anyway, to end off, count the number of I's and me's in this post, and you will see what I mean...

An Introduction to my Paranoid mind.

I can count the number of times I've been paranoid about something bad happening and it actually ends up happening, on my one hand. Compare that to the hundreds, if not thousands of times I've been paranoid about stuff I end up laughing about later, and you have a definite winner.
Just to give you an idea,here is one thing I am currently paranoid about:
I worry that the people that I work with actually can't stand me because they've heard some elaborate rumour which is completely untrue about me, and instead of confronting me directly about it, there is a major plot going on to try and get me out of the company. Part of their plan is to keep me under surveillance from one of the apartments opposite mine and other such ridiculous thoughts.
I know for a fact that some people might think I should consider getting psychiatric help, and I can assure you that, had I had the means, I would have definitely seeked professional help. However, I don't have the means, but at least I have recognized my problem and I can work on it on my own  - thank GOODNESS for the wonderful Internet and green pastures!
What frustrates me the most, is the fact that I KNOW my thoughts are irrational, yet I can't do anything to stop them from happening. I can only calm myself to a rational state.
I love my job and colleagues so much, it's an absolute shame that I'd waste so much time by obsessing with my demons...

Scratch first, itch later?

Isn't an itch the most unnecessary thing you can think of?

I mean, think about it - what does it DO besides being annoying?

It's an inconvenience with nothing positive linked to it, as far as I'm concerned.

The most unfortunate thing about itching, for me, is the fact that once I start itching, it lasts a very long time and I end up scratching for hours on end! 

I've tried using an old toothbrush, my hairbrush, various "rough" surfaced objects, and even my nail file (do NOT recommend), but nothing quite comes close to the satisfaction I get from using my nails... ahhh the 2 second bliss....

Having said that, I have also tried various creams, ice, hot water bottles and other techniques, and none have quite been able to match the soothingness of extra virgin olive oil massaged directly into the affected area. I would definitely recommend giving it a try if you suffer from a lot of itching. 

I'm hoping that humans will eventually evolve into itch resistant beings. A world with less inconvenience is, after all, important - super, very.