With all the recent happenings and stress related issues in my life lately, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as "good always prevails over evil" .
At least now, there is a small little light at the end of this tunnel.
Here's the deal:
We have two cars. A Toyota, which we use as our regular vehicle, and an Uno which is registered in my dad's name but I paid it off.
When we got the Toyota, we decided to lend the Uno to a very good friend of ours who was in need of transportation. Last week, however, he let us know that the car was missing. There are a few events that lead up to the vehicle being "missing" for example the fact that he left the car overnight in a very dodgy area because the car wouldn't start. He also took longer than necessary to inform us about the happenings, and in order to claim insurance the police report had to be done within 24hours of the incident. We found out quite a few days later.
So, I was kinda preparing myself to just get the car reported as stolen and then my dad was going to have it written off and that would be that. However, today, I get a phone call from my dad saying that a police constable has contacted him and that the car has been found! Apparently not much damage, except for the battery that was missing. I'm really relieved!
I'm just not sure how we're going to retrieve the car from the pound. They are only open weekdays from 8am to 3pm. Plus I would need to organize someone to tow the car, I can't afford a towing company and I don't know anybody who I can ask. I'm actually considering finding out if one of the officers might be interested in buying the car for real cheap? Lol, I don't know, but that is another day's problems. For now, I am just grateful for at least one bit of good news .
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
The cell phone
Oh my word, things are getting much worse...
I was planning on a long blog post explaining every single detail of the event and my feelings etc, but, no, I'll keep it concise this time...
The first thing that happened this week was that my boss lost his cell phone and now thinks it's stolen. Now, I can't help but feeling that maybe he didn't actually loose it but that he just pretended to loose it in order to set me up so that they can fire me. I don't know. I find it just a tad suspicious the way things happened. My husband says that I shouldn't worry, because I know that I didn't take the phone. But what he doesn't understand is that if I'm set up and consequently fired, that will become part of my reputation and people will trust me even less. It sucks so much, I wish I could just lead a normal life...
Anyway, this happening got me thinking that maybe I should just start looking for another job. I am REALLY very happy to work there, I love everything about the company, but my paranoia is just getting the best of me and it's making me miserable as a result.
I am more suited to jobs in HUGE companies, like say 200+ employees, were I can just be a number. Just go to work, do my job, leave and get paid at month end. No fuss and office politics.
I want to be able to focus on my life and my friends again, instead of constantly obsessing and brooding over the fact that my colleagues don't like me and my bosses are plotting to get me fired.
Also, I need to make more money so that I can start seeing a professional regarding my condition.
I've joined this forum at Psychcentral which is pretty awesome, because I get to share my experiences with people with similar fears and anxieties as I have and I also get to read how it is for other people etc.
So, I've you happen to read this blog, and you have some sort of mental issues, do yourself a favor and join those forums.
I was planning on a long blog post explaining every single detail of the event and my feelings etc, but, no, I'll keep it concise this time...
The first thing that happened this week was that my boss lost his cell phone and now thinks it's stolen. Now, I can't help but feeling that maybe he didn't actually loose it but that he just pretended to loose it in order to set me up so that they can fire me. I don't know. I find it just a tad suspicious the way things happened. My husband says that I shouldn't worry, because I know that I didn't take the phone. But what he doesn't understand is that if I'm set up and consequently fired, that will become part of my reputation and people will trust me even less. It sucks so much, I wish I could just lead a normal life...
Anyway, this happening got me thinking that maybe I should just start looking for another job. I am REALLY very happy to work there, I love everything about the company, but my paranoia is just getting the best of me and it's making me miserable as a result.
I am more suited to jobs in HUGE companies, like say 200+ employees, were I can just be a number. Just go to work, do my job, leave and get paid at month end. No fuss and office politics.
I want to be able to focus on my life and my friends again, instead of constantly obsessing and brooding over the fact that my colleagues don't like me and my bosses are plotting to get me fired.
Also, I need to make more money so that I can start seeing a professional regarding my condition.
I've joined this forum at Psychcentral which is pretty awesome, because I get to share my experiences with people with similar fears and anxieties as I have and I also get to read how it is for other people etc.
So, I've you happen to read this blog, and you have some sort of mental issues, do yourself a favor and join those forums.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Work, work, work...
I read through my blog posts last night and realised that all my paranoia issues thus far had something to do with my work. That would come across as strange, but I'm actually not surprised considering the fact that I hardly spend time with anybody else than my husband and work colleagues. Sad, but true. Think it's time I get a life? I dunno.
Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..
Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings...
It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)
Anyway, today triggered another paranoia spell for me.
There has been a dramatic increase in absenteeism from the office. Luckily this didn't involve me. In the whole year I've been there, I haven't been on sick leave even once. I even came to work with food poisoning once, which was horrible, and bladder infection another time. Even if I am really sick, I feel too guilty to stay at home..
Back to what happened: So the bosses calls me in to say that there will be a meeting held in order to address the absenteeism and some other minor issues. I was told that I didn't have to attend, but that I should start developing a more efficient way of keeping track of leave balances etc. The girls were to be seen one by one.
I was back at my desk for just a few minutes, hardly enough time for them to meet with each of the three, when I received a call to say I must come through for the meeting.
After everybody joined me, they started addressing all the issues they had.
One was social media activity. Again, not guilty. We are aloud to use it at work, but not abuse it, and I hardly ever went on facebook at work. I don't really need to; I've got Internet access right here at home. I also check my emails during lunch hour. But that's it.
Anyway, so they said that they were monitoring the Internet activity and that they knew how much time everybody spent on these social sites. Now they are going to block it, but leave one PC with access to the Internet available for lunch hours. I don't have a problem with this at all, but had the boss not told us that they installed a monitoring system, I might have ended up thinking that everybody would think I told the boss about how much time I see them spending on the Internet when they should really be working. Anyway, it has nothing to do with me what they do with their time and I'm not a tattle-tale. But, they still might have thought so.
Which brings me to my next point:
One of the ladies in the office had an estimated two week period where she would leave work early, the moment the last boss left. Various amounts of time, but once up to 20 minutes early. I didn't realise this was happening, until I walked into their office one afternoon looking for her. One of the other ladies said she left, and that she's making a habit of it. I remember saying to her that our colleague must be careful in case one day one of the bosses had to come back for something. I then left the incident and didn't say a word to anyone about it.
Today in the meeting, the boss addressed the fact that he knows about people leaving earlier and that apparently he came back one day and certain staff members were missing. That can't be true, because I know when he comes in because his office is right next to mine, and I've never left work early without permission, which means even if he did come back, it would've been after hours so it doesn't count. ANYWAY, the point is, now I'm almost sure the girls think that I went and split on my colleague, but I really really didn't even consider such actions! I may come across as the type, but that's just not what I do.. because I would never want anybody to do it to me.
I saw the way they looked at me and heard the sighs when I walked passed to go for my smoke break... I feel terrible and I didn't even do anything.
I'm sure he must've been told by someone, though, so maybe the one who actually told him is also the one telling them it was me? Or maybe this whole thing is just one giant plot to get me to quit. They know I dislike bad vibes in the office, and now they are causing it so I can quit.. But I really don't want to. I absolutely love it there, it is one of the BEST companies I've worked for. I'll just hang in there and see what tomorrow brings...
It helps typing everything out, though. Gives a bit of an outlet. Sorry it's a bit random. I'm not good with typing exactly what's going on in my mind. I'm sure I'll get better at blogging with time, though :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Cheese?
I really have no IDEA what to make of today's happenings.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I think the people at work thinks I stole some cheese...
Here's the story:
Once a month, our company offers us a free braai (A braai is like a barbecue), which is absolutely awesome in my books. With the end of June's braai, my colleague purchased a block of cheese which we didn't end up using, and it was to be kept for the coming one at the end of July.
Within the last 2 weeks I have even temporarily forgotten about the cheese, until today...
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I get told that we are having a braai today. Besides the fact that this is not the right time, I also didn't get the usual invitation as is customary. It was just sorta "sprung" on me. Then all of a sudden they ask me if I know the cheese is missing. I said no, cause of course I didn't know the cheese was missing, I mean who the hell thinks about the cheese at work all the time?
OK, now as petty as this all may sound, I seriously think people are trying to set me up.
I was told before the braai, when I asked why we are having one, that the boss wanted to tell all of us something and he wanted it to be in a relaxed environment. The boss didn't make any announcements whatsoever during the braai... that's odd.
The cleaning lady also didn't come in today. I bet she was told not to come in cause they think if they confront me I would try to blame her. You know, even if it WAS me who took the cheese, I would NEVER shift the blame. Never, cause I would never want anybody to do the same to me...
Another of my colleagues was "sick" today, I think she's in on it? They used her to test my reactions, I'm sure, cause they kept on making jokes about her taking the cheese, and then looking at me, even though everybody knows she's been there the longest and would also never do something like that.
My other two colleagues made a point that they would never need to steal cheese as they stay with their parents, who buy them cheese when they need it. I just kept quiet, cause I really had nothing to say about it. Anyway, as a matter of fact, I don't believe that ANYONE of us would steal anything. I mean, why? There's just too much risk involved.
Anyway, I know you might not completely understand why I think they think it's me. There are many other weird things that I can't put into words right now.
First of all, me and my husband buy our own huge block of cheese once a month, so WHY THE HELL would I bother with cheese at work. PLUS if our cheese runs out, we just buy more. If it gets to a stage where our salaries are no longer enough to sustain our living needs, I will LOOK FOR A BETTER PAYING JOB, not sabotage my career by stealing a stupid block of cheese! Arrrgh, this is all very frustrating. I have recently completed some studies, after having a late start, and am still in the process of bettering my qualifications. I have a career path I want to follow, and I am just starting out. Why would they think that I would ruin it by doing something so childish?
And why play all these mind games? Just come out and ask me! Or maybe, they want to make life unpleasant for me so that I will quit, cause maybe they don't like me. I do come across as anti-social, but that's cause I'm shy, but that doesn't mean I don't like you. I have the greatest respect for every one of my colleagues. This is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I don't understand why all this is happening right now... I REALLY REALLY hope that this is all just in my imagination. I don't feel happy at all...
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I think the people at work thinks I stole some cheese...
Here's the story:
Once a month, our company offers us a free braai (A braai is like a barbecue), which is absolutely awesome in my books. With the end of June's braai, my colleague purchased a block of cheese which we didn't end up using, and it was to be kept for the coming one at the end of July.
Within the last 2 weeks I have even temporarily forgotten about the cheese, until today...
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I get told that we are having a braai today. Besides the fact that this is not the right time, I also didn't get the usual invitation as is customary. It was just sorta "sprung" on me. Then all of a sudden they ask me if I know the cheese is missing. I said no, cause of course I didn't know the cheese was missing, I mean who the hell thinks about the cheese at work all the time?
OK, now as petty as this all may sound, I seriously think people are trying to set me up.
I was told before the braai, when I asked why we are having one, that the boss wanted to tell all of us something and he wanted it to be in a relaxed environment. The boss didn't make any announcements whatsoever during the braai... that's odd.
The cleaning lady also didn't come in today. I bet she was told not to come in cause they think if they confront me I would try to blame her. You know, even if it WAS me who took the cheese, I would NEVER shift the blame. Never, cause I would never want anybody to do the same to me...
Another of my colleagues was "sick" today, I think she's in on it? They used her to test my reactions, I'm sure, cause they kept on making jokes about her taking the cheese, and then looking at me, even though everybody knows she's been there the longest and would also never do something like that.
My other two colleagues made a point that they would never need to steal cheese as they stay with their parents, who buy them cheese when they need it. I just kept quiet, cause I really had nothing to say about it. Anyway, as a matter of fact, I don't believe that ANYONE of us would steal anything. I mean, why? There's just too much risk involved.
Anyway, I know you might not completely understand why I think they think it's me. There are many other weird things that I can't put into words right now.
First of all, me and my husband buy our own huge block of cheese once a month, so WHY THE HELL would I bother with cheese at work. PLUS if our cheese runs out, we just buy more. If it gets to a stage where our salaries are no longer enough to sustain our living needs, I will LOOK FOR A BETTER PAYING JOB, not sabotage my career by stealing a stupid block of cheese! Arrrgh, this is all very frustrating. I have recently completed some studies, after having a late start, and am still in the process of bettering my qualifications. I have a career path I want to follow, and I am just starting out. Why would they think that I would ruin it by doing something so childish?
And why play all these mind games? Just come out and ask me! Or maybe, they want to make life unpleasant for me so that I will quit, cause maybe they don't like me. I do come across as anti-social, but that's cause I'm shy, but that doesn't mean I don't like you. I have the greatest respect for every one of my colleagues. This is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I don't understand why all this is happening right now... I REALLY REALLY hope that this is all just in my imagination. I don't feel happy at all...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Get off your high horses
I'm so SICK of it. There are all these people out there claiming to embrace their "weirdness" because being "normal" is so overrated. Or even cheesier - love the fact that being called weird is like being called a limited edition. Pah..
Nobody has ANY idea what it feels like to not feel normal every single damn day of your life. To WISH with all your might just to feel like the person next to you. To be paranoid ALL the god damn time. To think you're not good enough. To feel like people don't like you. To feel like people think you are a bad person and KNOWING you are not. NOBODY KNOWS!
It sucks.
Nobody has ANY idea what it feels like to not feel normal every single damn day of your life. To WISH with all your might just to feel like the person next to you. To be paranoid ALL the god damn time. To think you're not good enough. To feel like people don't like you. To feel like people think you are a bad person and KNOWING you are not. NOBODY KNOWS!
It sucks.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Healthy Changes
My 2012 New Years resolution was that I wanted to drink at least 1 bottle of water per day. This resolution has turned out to be very successful to me and I will be increasing my intake to two bottles per day soon.
As of the end of this month, the following will also be added to my "health regime":
1. I'm going to start using the Oil Cleansing Method. Checklist : Castor Oil, Olive Oil, Avo Oil, mixing bottle, washcloth.
2. At least a banana a day.
3. At least a carrot a day.
4. At least 1/2 a cucumber per day (Is that too much, too little?).
Let's see if I can stick to these extra thingies, and take it from there.
As of the end of this month, the following will also be added to my "health regime":
1. I'm going to start using the Oil Cleansing Method. Checklist : Castor Oil, Olive Oil, Avo Oil, mixing bottle, washcloth.
2. At least a banana a day.
3. At least a carrot a day.
4. At least 1/2 a cucumber per day (Is that too much, too little?).
Let's see if I can stick to these extra thingies, and take it from there.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Mrs Conceited
I have never in my life met anybody as conceited as I am. It sucks, and I don't know how to change it.
It has nothing to do with my appearance, in fact, I believe I'm a very average looking person, HOWEVER I always assume that certain situations are about me. Me, me, me...
For example, someone (even someone I haven't actually seen or spoken to for months) will post a random comment on facebook and I will automatically assume the post has something to do with me and that the person is subtly trying to send me a message. Especially if it is something bad. I always assume people think the worst of me and as mentioned in my previous post, are conspiring against me.
I believe that people close to me has heard rumors, and instead of asking me about it, they just believe the rumors and try to "get back at me". Aarrgg.. frustration is not the word.
I try my best to be nice to everyone I meet and talk to. Because of that, I think that people might think I am too nice, and then they don't trust me without realizing that there's nothing more to it than me just wanting everybody to be happy.. it's quite sad, actually.
Today at work, one of my colleagues were talking to a lady (I didn't know at that stage that it was her mother), and telling her something like " apparently the guy treated her like shit" and they were laughing etc. and I thought they were talking about me, because my previous boss treated me and my ex-colleagues badly, and that they don't believe me and are trying to scheme behind my back. It's crazy. I don't even think this specific colleague even knows about my previous job situation...
I try my best to always be honest, yet I still believe that people think I am a liar.
I try my best to be loyal, yet I still believe that people think I am a snake.
I try my best to be friendly, yet I still believe that people think I am fake...
You get the message?
Anyway, to end off, count the number of I's and me's in this post, and you will see what I mean...
It has nothing to do with my appearance, in fact, I believe I'm a very average looking person, HOWEVER I always assume that certain situations are about me. Me, me, me...
For example, someone (even someone I haven't actually seen or spoken to for months) will post a random comment on facebook and I will automatically assume the post has something to do with me and that the person is subtly trying to send me a message. Especially if it is something bad. I always assume people think the worst of me and as mentioned in my previous post, are conspiring against me.
I believe that people close to me has heard rumors, and instead of asking me about it, they just believe the rumors and try to "get back at me". Aarrgg.. frustration is not the word.
I try my best to be nice to everyone I meet and talk to. Because of that, I think that people might think I am too nice, and then they don't trust me without realizing that there's nothing more to it than me just wanting everybody to be happy.. it's quite sad, actually.
Today at work, one of my colleagues were talking to a lady (I didn't know at that stage that it was her mother), and telling her something like " apparently the guy treated her like shit" and they were laughing etc. and I thought they were talking about me, because my previous boss treated me and my ex-colleagues badly, and that they don't believe me and are trying to scheme behind my back. It's crazy. I don't even think this specific colleague even knows about my previous job situation...
I try my best to always be honest, yet I still believe that people think I am a liar.
I try my best to be loyal, yet I still believe that people think I am a snake.
I try my best to be friendly, yet I still believe that people think I am fake...
You get the message?
Anyway, to end off, count the number of I's and me's in this post, and you will see what I mean...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
An Introduction to my Paranoid mind.
I can count the number of times I've been paranoid about something bad happening and it actually ends up happening, on my one hand. Compare that to the hundreds, if not thousands of times I've been paranoid about stuff I end up laughing about later, and you have a definite winner.
Just to give you an idea,here is one thing I am currently paranoid about:
I worry that the people that I work with actually can't stand me because they've heard some elaborate rumour which is completely untrue about me, and instead of confronting me directly about it, there is a major plot going on to try and get me out of the company. Part of their plan is to keep me under surveillance from one of the apartments opposite mine and other such ridiculous thoughts.
I know for a fact that some people might think I should consider getting psychiatric help, and I can assure you that, had I had the means, I would have definitely seeked professional help. However, I don't have the means, but at least I have recognized my problem and I can work on it on my own - thank GOODNESS for the wonderful Internet and green pastures!
What frustrates me the most, is the fact that I KNOW my thoughts are irrational, yet I can't do anything to stop them from happening. I can only calm myself to a rational state.
I love my job and colleagues so much, it's an absolute shame that I'd waste so much time by obsessing with my demons...
Just to give you an idea,here is one thing I am currently paranoid about:
I worry that the people that I work with actually can't stand me because they've heard some elaborate rumour which is completely untrue about me, and instead of confronting me directly about it, there is a major plot going on to try and get me out of the company. Part of their plan is to keep me under surveillance from one of the apartments opposite mine and other such ridiculous thoughts.
I know for a fact that some people might think I should consider getting psychiatric help, and I can assure you that, had I had the means, I would have definitely seeked professional help. However, I don't have the means, but at least I have recognized my problem and I can work on it on my own - thank GOODNESS for the wonderful Internet and green pastures!
What frustrates me the most, is the fact that I KNOW my thoughts are irrational, yet I can't do anything to stop them from happening. I can only calm myself to a rational state.
I love my job and colleagues so much, it's an absolute shame that I'd waste so much time by obsessing with my demons...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Scratch first, itch later?
Isn't an itch the most unnecessary thing you can think of?
I mean, think about it - what does it DO besides being annoying?
It's an inconvenience with nothing positive linked to it, as far as I'm concerned.
The most unfortunate thing about itching, for me, is the fact that once I start itching, it lasts a very long time and I end up scratching for hours on end!
I've tried using an old toothbrush, my hairbrush, various "rough" surfaced objects, and even my nail file (do NOT recommend), but nothing quite comes close to the satisfaction I get from using my nails... ahhh the 2 second bliss....
Having said that, I have also tried various creams, ice, hot water bottles and other techniques, and none have quite been able to match the soothingness of extra virgin olive oil massaged directly into the affected area. I would definitely recommend giving it a try if you suffer from a lot of itching.
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